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the girl with violets in her lap [userpic]

of interest to Massachusetts citizens only

September 7th, 2006 (11:58 pm)
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Was anyone else watching the Massachusetts Democratic candidates for governor debate tonight?

For those of you who missed it, here's a precis:

MODERATOR: So, what do you think about blah blah? Tom, why don't we start with y--
TOM REILLY: I'M THE BEST EVER BECAUSE I DID EVERYTHING EVER IN MASSACHUSETTS. EXCEPT THE THINGS THAT WENT WRONG, LIKE THE BIG DIG, BUT BASICALLY I DID EVERYTHING GOOD EVER AND I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF AND NOBODY HELPED ME. ALSO I AM AN ANGRY OLD WHITE MAN AND I HATE YOU ::pointing at Gabrieli:: AND I HATE YOU ::pointing at Patrick:: AND I HATE YOU ::pointing at Gabrieli:: AND I HATE YOU ::pointing at Patrick:: AND I HATE YOU ::pointing at Patrick:: AND I HATE YOU ::pointing at Patrick:: AND I HATE YOU ::pointing at Patrick:: AND -
DEVAL PATRICK: ::is smiling indulgently::
TOM REILLY: - AND YOU ARE THE WORST EVER AT EVERYTHING AND I REALLY REALLY HATE YOU AND -
DEVAL PATRICK, cutting in smoothly: It's okay, Tom. Of course I don't deserve all of that, but we all know that, because you are an angry old white man with spittle on your chin, and I am a charismatic young black man who is going to breathe new life into Massachusetts government. But you have some good ideas too, occasionally. You should be very proud of yourself, just like I'm proud of myself for being better than you.
TOM REILLY: I HATE YOU AND I HATE YOU AND I SPUTTER SPITTLE IN YOUR DIRECTION! AND -
CHRIS GABRIELI: Um, guys, can I cut in here for just a second? I just want to say that I really like stem cell research, and Harvard, and medicine, and that kind of stuff. And I'm really a pretty articulate guy, with some reasonably well-formulated and possibly workable ideas -
TOM REILLY: AND I HATE YOU MOST ESPECIALLY BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT AS GOOD AS ME, YOU ARE NOT ATTORNEY GENERAL LIKE ME, AND YOU DID NOT DO THINGS LIKE MAKING SURE THAT AWFUL THINGS LIKE 9/11 COULD NEVER EVER HAPPEN AGAIN BY DOING PRECISELY NOTHING TO ENSURE THAT SECURITY WAS STEPPED UP AT LOGAN AIRPORT, BUT THAT WAS AWESOME AND IT WAS ALL ME, AND I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO DID IT, AND NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER BEEN AS GOOD AS ME IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, AND I HATE YOU, AND -
DEVAL PATRICK: I agree with both of you. In a way. Because you're both very smart men, deserving of respect. And so are a bunch of Republicans that I'm going to mention by name, so that you know that I'm willing to cross partisan boundaries to reject politics-as-usual. Also, I am very handsome. See how good I look in my suit and tie, and hear how smooth and well-modulated my speaking voice is.
TOM REILLY: AAAACK I HATE YOU SO MUCH I THINK THE VEINS IN MY NECK WILL EXPLODE -
CHRIS GABRIELI: Guys? Stem cells? Anyone?
DEVAL PATRICK: Absolutely, Chris. Absolutely.
TOM REILLY: ::chokes on his own umbrage::
JEANNE SHAHEEN: That's all for tonight's debate. See you at the next debate, after the primaries, when we'll be rid of this Reilly asshole. Night!

Man, I wish the Presidential debates went like this. How come in the Presidential debates everyone acts like Tom Reilly, while on the state level we get guys like Patrick and Gabrieli, who just kind of look him over with this "are you shitting me, you little bald man?" expression?

Comments

Posted by: Erin (givesmevoice)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 12:21 am (UTC)
Sunset Boulevard Norma cranks Betty

this post: ::made my evening::

Posted by: the girl with violets in her lap (slammerkinbabe)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 12:27 am (UTC)

Yay!

Hey, now that my brain has stopped being stupid, we should hang out. I'm working from home these days, and I have a flex-ee-ble schedule. ALSO, my uncle finally made copies of the 1972 Once Upon a Mattress, so yay!

Posted by: Erin (givesmevoice)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 12:33 am (UTC)
Patti lmao

we should hang out! I have Fridays off and it's glorious!
Once Upon a Mattress'd! \o/

Posted by: michael (july4th)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 12:29 am (UTC)

I totally want to see a claymation re-enactment of this debate.

Posted by: the girl with violets in her lap (slammerkinbabe)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 12:37 am (UTC)

REILLY: I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU ::swings around and smashes his fist against Patrick's head in attempt to flatten him::
PATRICK, smiling tolerantly: I'm made out of rubber, Tom. You can't smash me. But that was a very nice effort.
REILLY: ::looks at ruined hand; howls at ceiling::
GABRIELI: Stem cells?

Posted by: michael (july4th)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 01:07 am (UTC)

Hee. Exactly. Gabrieli holding up little claymation stem cells.

Posted by: John :: Affirming Consequents, Denying Antecedents (idonotlikepeas)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 12:40 am (UTC)

Well, think about what kind of personality you have to have to want to be president badly enough to actually be a real candidate... and what sort of person you have to be to begin with to get that kind of money and influence in our current system.

But yeah. I'm voting for Patrick. I'm not 100% thrilled with him, but he's loads better than Reilly and marginally better than Gabrieli.

Posted by: Angelina Ballerina (greenovalfruit)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 01:21 am (UTC)
DinoSneak - Halloween

Hey hey, now. I found that extremely amusing interesting. I think all politic debates should be translated by you, Kylie.

Posted by: Morgan (banshea)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 02:27 am (UTC)

IAWTC

Posted by: Spencer Irving (archaica)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 01:27 am (UTC)

You should find the Lieberman/Lamont debate on YouTube or something. Honestly, it was interesting to watch.

Posted by: Tasha Rebekah Martin (lietya)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 02:21 am (UTC)

This is the funniest thing EVER.

(No, I didn't watch; I'm kind of up to the eyeballs with the crap going down in CT right now. I'm sorry I missed it now, though.)

also, yay for the brain maybe being less stupid!

Posted by: sam. i am. (samfeasor)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 03:29 am (UTC)
bush hates rangers

HAHAHHA. No, seriously. That was the entire debate. You should send this out to the Metro or something. Because it's the best summary ever.

Posted by: azorbas11 (azorbas11)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 06:33 am (UTC)

Oh my god...this was a great entry!!

OK I fell asleep...did Reilly ever answer a question without attacking Gabrielli for the St Fleur info in the Globe? I got through about three questions and Reilly kept talking about that no matter what the question was....

Posted by: the girl with violets in her lap (slammerkinbabe)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 10:16 pm (UTC)

You know, I missed that part?? Since we just moved we hadn't gotten our cable set up yet, and when we tried, we realized the cable we have is broken. Getting it set up with rabbit ears took about fifteen minutes, so I missed the first part of the debate. Heard all about the St. Fleur business from the commentators after, though, who couldn't believe that he'd acted like such an idiot. Like, dude - no one cares who leaked that story to the Globe, all anyone cares about is that it's true. Which it is. I mean, I don't even care about that that much, but I certainly don't care about who leaked it. Reilly's whole take on the debate seemed to be that if he ranted angrily enough he woudl somehow make a... good... impression? And OMGWTF.

But no, he must hjave stopped talking about the St. Fleur thing within the first 15 or 20 minutes, because that's when I came in. By the time I got there he was ranting against Deval Patrick for having been on the board of Ameriquest, which was involved in some predatory lending business. Patrick just watched him with this "are you shitting me?" look, and then patiently explained that as general counsel, he was there to help *fix* that problem. Which he did. He said "I'm very proud of my role in that, and you should be proud of your role in it, too." People cheered, and Reilly looked like he wanted to murder him. It was awesome.

Posted by: azorbas11 (azorbas11)
Posted at: September 9th, 2006 03:22 am (UTC)

My god....yeah I think Reilly has cut himself out of the race after that debate. I am still back and forth between Patrick and Gabrielli...we shall see.

How is the new place? Where are you guys now?

Posted by: Michael (ftmichael)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 11:46 pm (UTC)
red sox

Dear God that is hilarious. I would pay attention to politics if you translated everything for me (which would mean politics would make me laugh instead of make me want to stab things).

Posted by: Mike (mathwhiz78)
Posted at: September 8th, 2006 11:52 pm (UTC)

ftmichael pimped your post. i'm tempted to record the Ohio gubernatorial debates and mail them to you for the translation into normalspeak.

~mike~

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