Log in

No account? Create an account
the girl with violets in her lap [userpic]

October 13th, 2009 (02:23 pm)

Also, I seem to have missed National Coming Out Day.

So: Hi! I'm queer. If you missed it.

I suppose I could make this a slightly more interesting post and note that I use "queer" deliberately because I'm not really a lesbian, though I usually call myself one both as shorthand and because I identify with lesbian culture to a large extent. I could technically call myself bisexual, since I am occasionally attracted to men and might have acted on that at some point if my life had taken a different path somewhere along the line. But that term's never felt quite right to me: it implies a sex-'n'-gender binary that rings false to me, and it moves on to imply that there are men and women in this world and I'm attracted to both, end story. In point of fact not only are there a lot of transfolk and genderqueer folk in this world, but I am frequently quite attracted to them. In further point of fact, I tend to be mostly attracted to other folks who identify as queer, which means I am more likely to be attracted to a queer guy than I am to be attracted to a really hot heterosexual cisgender woman who has no interest in queer issues. This is why virtually all of my guy crushes have been gay guys, which would also be why I have no experience with guys. (If I'm a lesbian and I want to sleep with gay guys, why don't the gay guys want to sleep with me?)

Anyway. There was a meme that went around, a long time ago, in which you made an ID card that read "Hello, My Gender Is..." And then you picked all the options that applied to you from a *hugely* extensive list, to which you could also add items as you wished. (The added items were then incorporated into the larger list, which was why it was so long and so cool.) It incorporated a whole lot of elements into the idea of gender, which was basically the point. I liked that meme, and I'd be interested to see how much my answers have changed since the first time I took it. But I have no idea when I took it or where it is now, if it's even still online. Oh well.

But, yeah. I am queer! You knew that already. Above are listed some of the specific ways in which I am queer! You probably knew those already too.

Interestingly, though? I just realized that it was on Saturday that λ and I went to a family wedding on the side of the family where I hadn't bothered to come out to my extended family because they're incredibly conservative and I only see them like once a year, so it didn't seem worth it (especially because it would cause drama not just for me and λ, but for my grandparents and my mom, all of whom would be pretty upset by it). And it was just after midnight when they gathered my uncle's near family together for a group photo. And my extended-family-super-conservative-aunt-who-I-never-see was snapping pictures as well. And so she was there, camera and attention focused, when my uncles and aunt-in-law yelled that we couldn't take the picture until λ was in it. (Yay uncles and aunt-in-law.) And so λ came up a little bashfully and stood beside me, and we hooked our arms over each other's shoulders and smiled through the snapping camera flashes. And my super-conservative-aunt's face changed, just a little, and it was pretty clear that willed ignorance will only take you so far, and she'd just outstripped its limits.

I guess basically what I'm trying to say is that now that I think about it, I did some coming out on Sunday after all. And now, interestingly, there's no one I'm bothering to keep myself closeted from anymore, because if that aunt knows then so will that whole side of the family, and they were the only ones I'd been hiding from.

Well, shit, I can just go and join the [Extended Family] network on Facebook now. I was invited months ago and never accepted because editing my profile to hide my marital status from that network was a bit more active closeting than I was comfortable with. No need, anymore!

National Coming Out Day is cool!

ETA: Ooh, and lienne found it for me!


My name is


My gender is

admirer, ally, babe, bbw, bbw admirer, bi-romantic, biogirl, bisensual, bitch, bouncy, bubbly, caring, cat lover, chapstick lesbian, chick, chubby, cisgender, complex, confused, counselor, creative, cuddly, cute, dork, dreamer, dunno yet, dyke, etc., fangirl, fat, fat dyke, female, female-identified, feminist, friend, friendly, geek, genetic girl, girl, girl lover, glittery, huggy, human, indecisive, intelligent, interested, LGBTQQIA, left-brained, lesbian, lesbian-identified, lezbean, liberal, library dyke, lost, lover, loving, Mrs., Ms., me, misunderstood, myself, nerd, NLD, not sure of myself, not sure of others, obsessed, odd, open, passionate, peopleemotional, person, pro-family, pro-gay, pro-sex feminist, progressive, queer, queer dyke, queer femme, queersexual, quirky, romantic, same gender loving, same sex different gender oriented, sapiosexual, sapphist, sensitive, she-geek, snuggly, strange, sweet, teh gay, transfan, understanding, unsure, weird, whatever, wife, woman, XX

What's yours?

I actually had to add a Q to "LGBTQQIA" because I want both queer and questioning in the acronym. I was shocked that I wanted an option they didn't have. (But then, I do not have a clue what "LGBTQIOPPS" is. Anyone know?) They also had "autistic", which is like 1/4 accurate in describing me, and didn't have NLD, which is the fully accurate term. So I went back and edited that up too.

I could have chosen about twice as many words as I did and they would have been accurate denotative descriptors. I could also have cut the number of words I chose in half and it probably would have been equally accurate in denotation. Mostly I picked the ones I like and that I felt an affinity with when I looked at them. One bi-word even made its way in there. Look, I don't know, people. I don't make up these nonsense contradictions, I just live with them.

Anyway. I don't know how long ago I took the meme originally or how much it's changed. But I still like it.


Posted by: Pythian Habenero (lienne)
Posted at: October 13th, 2009 07:06 pm (UTC)
emotions: all smiles

Here's a thing that's a little like the thing you mentioned.

Posted by: Erin (givesmevoice)
Posted at: October 13th, 2009 07:38 pm (UTC)
Eddie Star Wars

Oh my goodness. That's overwhelming, honestly. There's so many options out there that I'm just not aware of!

Posted by: the girl with violets in her lap (slammerkinbabe)
Posted at: October 13th, 2009 08:55 pm (UTC)

Yay, that's exactly it, thank you! I filled it out.

Posted by: Pythian Habenero (lienne)
Posted at: October 13th, 2009 08:59 pm (UTC)
pride: Canadian queer

I've filled it out twice. The long version is, well, long; the short version is this:


I am

admirer, ambigender, androphiliac, bigender, bisensual, bisexual, butch-ish, cute, dude, female, female-assigned, femme-ish, gay, gender fluid, genderqueer, gentleman, gynephiliac, kinky, lady, lesbian, Mr., Ms., ma'am, male, male-identified, man, miss, mister, omnisexual, polycurious, polyflexible, polysnuggler, queer, sapphist, sir, stealth, straight, woman

Who are you?

Posted by: the girl with violets in her lap (slammerkinbabe)
Posted at: October 13th, 2009 09:04 pm (UTC)

I like yours! Honestly, I just like this meme because I feel like even when it's (relatively) brief it gives me a particular kind of neat sense of who someone is that's hard to come by or understand otherwise.

Posted by: Pythian Habenero (lienne)
Posted at: October 13th, 2009 09:12 pm (UTC)
ed norton: thinkyface


I'm tempted to devise a spinoff that lets you do combinations, though, because I feel like the list that defines me best goes something like so: straight woman, straight man, gay woman, gay man, bisexual woman, bisexual man, omnisexual genderqueer person.

(I avoid 'pansexual' because it makes me think of frying pans, and I'm sure some people are into that, but I am not one of them. Yes, that's a little silly, but then I'm a little silly too.)

Posted by: Tasha Rebekah Martin (lietya)
Posted at: October 13th, 2009 07:32 pm (UTC)

I hope you're not scared that your aunt has figured it out, but overall I think that's cool; it's especially sweet that your wife got called over into the picture, and by now it sounds as if there's a familial trend to countervail the hysteria of that particular branch [if it breaks out].

Let me just say, in light of my previous post, that I'm well aware of the drawbacks of the gender binary, but so far I'm attracted only to men and women (including transfolk who identify strongly as their chosen gender, many of whom get quite upset if they're accused of being anything but "real" men/women). Although I do have a fondness for genderfuck within the chosen gender.

Edited at 2009-10-13 07:32 pm (UTC)

Posted by: the girl with violets in her lap (slammerkinbabe)
Posted at: October 13th, 2009 08:24 pm (UTC)

Oh, just so you know, I wasn't trying to rag on anyone else IDing as bisexual. Bisexuality is just as valid/real an identity as gay, straight, generally queer, whatever. I'm no more likely to judge you or anyone for being bi than I am to judge someone for being Kinsey-0 or Kinsey-6 (and if my attractions don't run much to people who are Kinsey-0, then I'm drawing my own line in the sand wrt to sexuality, aren't I?) I keep writing and erasing bits of comments and now I've just laughed at myself because all I really wanted to say was "It's all good." :)

Posted by: Tasha Rebekah Martin (lietya)
Posted at: October 13th, 2009 09:15 pm (UTC)

That's fair. :) I didn't think you were, and I had the same reaction to your post - that it's perfectly reasonable to get to define your OWN attractions - I just wanted to throw in my two cents as someone who is (apparently) a fan of the gender binary as far as attraction goes.

(So far. I mean, who the hell knows whether I might meet a genderqueer person who totally pushes my buttons as well, right?!)

Posted by: Nathaniel Wolfthorn (ganimede)
Posted at: October 14th, 2009 01:23 am (UTC)

LGBTQIOPPS = Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Questioning/Queer, Intersex, Omnisexual, Pansexual, Polysexual... possibly. I have no idea about that S though.

The gender binary is stupid because the AMA has identified 5 different sexes. So if someone says they're bisexual, I always ask them which 2 of those 5 sexes are they picking. At which point they usually look at me like o_O. It's fun to fuck with people's brains like that :)

10 Read Comments