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the girl with violets in her lap [userpic]

December 1st, 2009 (03:16 pm)

So I tweeted about this yesterday, but it still has not changed today, and so I would like to seek answers from the wider circle of my LJ friends in case anyone can tell me WHY GOOGLE NEWS IS TRYING TO KILL ME OMFG.

Occasionally I do Google News searches on celebrities that I like, but who come up too often in random stories to which they are largely unrelated for me to set up Google News alerts for them. Carol Burnett and Julie Andrews would be two of these, obviously. So yesterday I searched on Carol Burnett and HERE IS WHAT GOOGLE NEWS DID:



It STARTED TO FILL IN THE AUTO-COMPLETE PHRASE "CAROL BURNETT DIED".

AND I HAD A HEART ATTACK. AND I CLICKED ON IT AND SAW A LIFETIME OF JULIE/CAROL SPECIALS FLASH BEFORE MY EYES IN THE HALF-SECOND IT TOOK THE NEWS PAGE TO LOAD. AND I FOUND. THAT.

CAROL BURNETT IS NOT DEAD.

MAY I REPEAT:

CAROL BURNETT IS NOT DEAD.

I. It. Because. What?!

WHY did Google News think I would want to search on "Carol Burnett died"? Why why why did it think that?! She's not even ill! As far as I know. Which means, as far as the Internet can tell me, and thus as far as anyone knows except maybe people who know her except that I hope they don't know that either because I hope she's not actually ill to begin with. But my point is, there is no reason for ANYBODY to be consistently Google-News searching on the phrase "Carol Burnett died." So she's old! So what! Tons and tons of people are old! When you search on "julie an", it tries to fill in "julie andrews" and "julie and julia", not "JULIE ANDREWS DIED".

So what is wrong with Google News? Is it conspiring against Carol Burnett? Is there some sort of twisted assassin-bot deep in the whoeverywhat computerythings that run Google that wants to see Carol Burnett dead, but is incapable of assassinating her because it is in fact buried deep in the whoeverywhat computerythings that run Google, so it has no outlet for its malice but to pop "Carol Burnett died" into the frequently-searched terms in an attempt to induce collateral heart-attack deaths in her fans? Or is it an anxiety-riddled Carol Burnett fan-bot that is likewise stranded deep inside the whoeverywhat computerythings, so it runs constant searches on the term "Carol Burnett died" to make sure she is still alive? Why is that form-completion there? WHY?!?!

Your consideration of this matter is appreciated.

Comments

Posted by: lady of the summer, princess of the morning (diana_hawthorne)
Posted at: December 1st, 2009 08:22 pm (UTC)
mary poppins: mary/bert wtf?

THANK GOD SHE IS NOT DEAD. OMG THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: the girl with violets in her lap (slammerkinbabe)
Posted at: December 1st, 2009 08:36 pm (UTC)
aaaaah

I seriously had about seventeen heart attacks in four seconds.

I love that you and I both chose "Julie Andrews is horrified" icons in response to this.

Posted by: lady of the summer, princess of the morning (diana_hawthorne)
Posted at: December 1st, 2009 11:06 pm (UTC)
mary poppins: mary/bert wtf?

I can sympathise!!!

Well, Julie WOULD be horrified in situations like this!

Posted by: Susan Jane Bigelow (shashalnikya)
Posted at: December 1st, 2009 08:27 pm (UTC)

wow, that is. yikes. Google that is not very nice!

Posted by: the girl with violets in her lap (slammerkinbabe)
Posted at: December 1st, 2009 08:39 pm (UTC)

INORITE, OMFG

Posted by: nelc (nelc)
Posted at: December 1st, 2009 09:04 pm (UTC)

It's predictive text, right? So, the second most searched-for set of all Google searches starting that way has been that one. It doesn't mean that it's been a majority of searches, that all the other searches added together wouldn't be a larger number, just that that one has turned more than any others except just "Carol Burnett". Don't blame Google, blame all the morbid Googlers out there.

Posted by: Chris Schmidt (crschmidt)
Posted at: December 2nd, 2009 04:31 pm (UTC)

This.

Posted by: my tongue freezes. (velvet_tipping)
Posted at: December 1st, 2009 09:32 pm (UTC)

lol. this is a great post.

Posted by: crown_the_queen (crown_the_queen)
Posted at: December 2nd, 2009 01:51 pm (UTC)
annie

What EVEN, Google News?! NOT COOL. NOT COOL IN THE SLIGHTEST.

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