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Blogathon for Tricia, Hour Seven: Gleek Out

January 9th, 2010 (10:32 am)

I have a problem, guys:

I'm in love with a nineteen-year-old boy.

So I'm sure everyone on my friends list watches Glee. If you don't, why are you on my friends list? Go watch Glee and then get back to me, I don't have time for you.

While those losers are off at hulu.com, I will address the rest of you and note that I'm sure you already know where this is going. You know, right? Chris Colfer? Kurt? The kid who looks "like an eleven-year-old milkmaid"?


So smitten.

And so hellbound.

Oh God, this is the most terrible crush. He seriously looks like he's about twelve, guys. And, no, he is not twelve. He's not even playing twelve. He's playing like fifteen or sixteen -- let's call it sixteen, huh? -- and sixteen is legal, too. A nineteen-year-old playing a sixteen-year-old -- what's wrong with crushing on that, anyway?

What's wrong with it?

What's wrong with it is that it EXPLODES MY FUCKING HEAD. And I CANNOT FIX IT.

I should explain something about my average celebrity crush. My average celebrity crush is about sixty-seven years old. Also female. I am in love with Meryl Streep, Julie Andrews, Carol Burnett. David Hyde Pierce is fifty-something and he's like the baby of my celebrity crushworld.

And I've always been okay with that. You know? Because, here's the thing, I don't think of myself as particularly mature -- not romantically or sexually or, well, in any respect really. I mean I'm obsessed with crayons, and I have Ernie and Bert dolls sitting side by side in the middle of my desk at work. Correspondingly, I kind of see myself as a perpetual baby dyke, in my fantasy crushworlds. Doubtless there are numerous deep-rooted psychological explanations for this, but I've neither the time nor the inclination to explore them now. For the moment let's just go with it: in my romantic fantasies, I am always the n00b.

So then you have Chris Colfer. The eleven-year-old milkmaid. And... what? No, I'm serious. What?

I'm okay with the fact that he is a penis-bearing individual.* I'm pretty used to getting stricken with the occasional guycrush. However, I am not used to getting stricken with guycrushes on guys who look like someone pulled them out of a Precious Moments catalogue. I mean they named the character on the show Kurt Hummel specifically because he looks like a Hummel doll.

Also awkward? I am fast moving away from crushing on Kurt Hummel and onto crushing on Chris Colfer. Have any of you guys read his Twitter? He's hilarious, and adorable, and sweet, and omgifall. In a sense, I suppose, this sounds better than crushing on Kurt, since Chris is in fact nineteen. But, see, the problem is that I'm a fangirl. And crushes slide way too easily into fandom for me. And the Internet is full of Glee RPS, and somehow lately I seem to find myself reading entirely too much fanfiction slashing Chris Colfer with Mark Salling, who is -- note well! -- twenty-seven. And who, when asked in an interview about the possibility of a Kurt/Purk pairing on the show**, shuddered and said that was just creepy, because of the age difference. So all these fanfics begin with Chris Colfer convincing Mark Salling that there is nothing the slightest bit creepy or even out of the ordinary about a nineteen-year-old hooking up with a twenty-seven-year-old!

The Glee RPSlashers keep giving me all these reasons why it is perfectly normal for me to want to jump this kid's bones. And HE STILL LOOKS AND SORT OF ACTS LIKE A PRECIOUS MOMENTS FIGURINE.

I am not sure how to conceptualize this. I recognize that everyone reading this is going "Erm, why is it that you are freaking out about having a crush on a guy nine years younger than you when you've been obsessing for years about a lesbian pairing between two women fifty years older than you?" But I'm telling you, I am totally okay and at peace with the older-women thing. (I will tell you that the other omfg-magnetism aspect of Glee, as far as I am concerned, is Jane fucking Lynch. Incidentally, I don't know what she'd think of that epithet in the middle of her name, but I'm damn sure Sue Sylvester would approve.) Plus, I am one hundred thousand percent convinced that Julie Andrews and Carol Burnett are doing it anyway, regardless of whether or not I am fascinated with them. So they can handle themselves. Chris Colfer just seems like a baby. Worse, his cuteness *derives* from his babyhood. Bad, bad, bad.

I need help. Do any of the rest of you need similar help? I can't be the only one who needs help, here.

*So far as I know. I have not had an opportunity to check.
**HAHA people have such funny dreams.

This is the hour seven post of my blogathon for my aunt Tricia, who is dying of end-stage ovarian cancer and whose family is being hit with a whole lot of bills that they can't afford alone as a result. Donations can be made at the link given above. A number of topics are still unclaimed and can be bought for $5 or more.


Posted by: law_nerd (law_nerd)
Posted at: January 9th, 2010 06:06 pm (UTC)

My average celebrity crush is about sixty-seven years old. Also female.

And that would be the reason I pretty much don't watch TV anymore. The last show that hit my demographic was The Golden Girls (hmmm... GG slash ... not sure if that idea is scary or fascinating).

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