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the girl with violets in her lap [userpic]

heading to the peanutsylum

April 2nd, 2010 (01:14 pm)

So you know those terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad, EVEN WORSE THAN ALEXANDER'S DAY Snickers ads that you see around? The ones that portmanteau words relating to Snickers with other words that sound vaguely like words relating to Snickers? I posted about it awhile ago when I saw the "CHEWMUTE" ad on the T, because I couldn't figure out what in fuckery a chewmute was. Wide consensus among my flist was that it was a commute. "WHAT THE HELL, THAT DOESN'T EVEN RHYME", I told people. Then I went on a lengthy disquisition about why I should be grand mistress supreme of all writing in the world and should have approval/veto rights over every writer, literary work, and piece of wordsmithing of any kind seeking public dissemination, if this was what other writers were coming up with when left to their own devices. I cited Stephenie Meyer as another strong argument for this proposal.

No one has hired me to be grand mistress supreme over all writing in the world yet, which is a disappointment because I put in my application via paper prayer MONTHS ago.* As a result, these terrible Snickers ads are still! fucking! everywhere! And it is dreadful! They have one that says PEANUTENTIARY. WHY DO YOU WANT YOUR PRODUCTS TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH JAIL TIME, SNICKERS, ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR CORPORATE PRACTICES OR SOMETHING

In any case, today I bought a Snickers bar, because (this is the truth) I wanted to buy a bag of nuts and the little library cafe didn't have any and I was like "oh! Snickers have nuts in them. Same thing!" I do pride myself on my unassailable logic. So I get up to my office and I open the thing, at which point I find out that in addition to branding the back of each wrapper with one of their blight-on-the-face-of-humanity** portmanteaus, they are now providing a definition of each portmanteau on the inside of the wrapper. Thus, the inside of my wrapper reads as follows:

peanutopolis \pE-nut-ä-pu-lis\*** (noun). A state of mind making you feel very strong and powerful, almost mayor-like.



You are committed to this portmanteau thing. I mean, it's a giant god-freaking-damn ad campaign, right? You are paying marketing experts significant amounts of money to conceive and implement this campaign? And:

1. After all of that, the best you can come up with is to tack an "-opolis" suffix onto a preexisting Snickers-related word; and
2. You define said word as a STATE OF MIND?!?!!?!?!

I am... what am I even? I don't even... I'm going to, like... so, I know, I'm going to steal every box fan in the country, God? And create a giant, um, wind tunnel, and create a TORNADO of paper prayers, all flying up into the heavens, ceaselessly, for AS LONG AS IT TAKES, seriously, an unending tornado of novelty paper prayers until the day you GIVE ME THE POWER OF THE BANHAMMER OVER THESE SNICKERS ADS, and, uh, well...

oh, shit, guys, I am so helpless

why, world? why?


*Incidentally, I'm sorry that picture is crappy-quality, mostly because that was one hilarious novelty item and the reason the photo is crappy-quality is that it's the only one left on the Internet since www.knockknock.biz stopped selling that product. If you're curious to see a closer-up version, you can see if chavvah will explain to you/possibly link you to her post about her atomic supertoe. It is the perfect marriage of subject and medium.
**Chewmanity? AAAAAAHAHAHAHurk
***And just as a by-the-way, I don't have a fucking clue how you would pronounce that because it is not IPA, or traditional dictionary-style respelling, or any other system of phonetic notation I have ever heard of. I guess it is peanutic nuttation! OH MY GOD, GET THIS SHIT THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD


Posted by: Nathaniel Wolfthorn (ganimede)
Posted at: April 2nd, 2010 06:12 pm (UTC)

We don't have those ads. We get Mr T telling us to "get some nuts" instead. I'd rather they were still called Marathons here anyway.

Posted by: Brandoch Daha (ticktockman)
Posted at: April 2nd, 2010 06:15 pm (UTC)

Can we lock the marketing experts in the same hell with the ones who slap the label "cube" on things that aren't cubes? The Pepsi people do it and the Nissan people do it.


Posted by: Underwear Ninja (chavvah)
Posted at: April 2nd, 2010 06:18 pm (UTC)

Here you go:


I had intended to do more of those paper prayers, but somehow I never got around to it. Although I did break more toes.

Posted by: the girl with violets in her lap (slammerkinbabe)
Posted at: April 2nd, 2010 07:12 pm (UTC)

I'm so sad that that company stopped making them. I guess it was because most of their novelty note-template thingees are things you can hand to people directly (misdemeanor slips for people with annoying cell phone etiquette, etc.), whereas you need to steal at least ten box fans to ensure reception of a good paper prayer. (That, or a scanner and a blog. In which case you have to sort of regard the Internet as its own deity. Which I do, but maybe not everyone feels the same way.) Anyway, point being, they are gone but they should not be because I seriously think that is some funny shit.

Posted by: Damian (fanboy_of_zeus)
Posted at: April 2nd, 2010 06:58 pm (UTC)

I would totally hire you as the grand mistress over all writing in the world! As long as you don't mind working for peanuts, 'cause I can't exactly afford the sort of salary such a personage would deserve.

Posted by: the girl with violets in her lap (slammerkinbabe)
Posted at: April 2nd, 2010 07:10 pm (UTC)

As long as you don't mind working for peanuts

okay, that? Is funny. Well played, friend.

Posted by: Doc Manhattan (docmanhattan)
Posted at: April 2nd, 2010 07:48 pm (UTC)

Here's a good rule of thumb:

If you're bound and determined to use homophonic wordplay as a marketing campaign, maybe don't choose it for a product that sounds a lot like one of the most hateful racial epithets in the language.

Posted by: Popcorn the Bearcat (agatha_mandrake)
Posted at: April 4th, 2010 04:14 am (UTC)

Chewmanity? Damn, I will never again complain about the cheesy jokes on the wrappers of Penguin bars.

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