the girl with violets in her lap (slammerkinbabe) wrote,
the girl with violets in her lap

In keeping with my promise to Sim-ify every Broadway show that I can think of between now and when I get bored with Sims:

Have some Wicked.

So Elphaba and Galinda* have moved in together -- on the top floor of a shitty NYC walkup above the West Side Story gangs, as noted elsewhere. I should note at the outset that I have been having a *lot* of difficulty navigating the screen so I can see what's going on (I'm out of practice, and the FarmVille navigation mechanism is completely different! oh NOES), so I spent three hours of Sim time trying to figure out where the characters were and what the hell was going on. All I could tell you for sure at the beginning of the game was that Galinda's dearest ambitions were to throw a party, buy a bar, make a friend, and get a job in politics, and Elphaba wanted four different jobs in four different careers, one of which was the criminal career. Have fun with that, Elphie.

Soon enough the usual neighbors-welcoming-you-to-the-neighborhood time came around, and Maria, Bernardo, and Anita showed up. They introduced themselves and then proceeded to ignore the Wicked folks completely: Bernardo and Anita got into some hardcore PDA -- seriously, guys, get a room -- and Maria watched the clouds. I got Maria into a halfhearted chat with Elphaba, but that left Galinda at loose ends. And Galinda wanted to make a friend.

Oh, Glinda, Glinda.

Her dreams did not work out the way she planned them. Some random dude named Phil -- Phil -- oh, shit, I don't even know. It was like Phil... okay, I just looked it up. Phil Jitmukasol. What the fuck? Anyway, so this guy -- this ugly guy -- named Phil Jitmukasol comes walking down the sidewalk, and Galinda decides to start talking to him. And you know I don't like my personal Sims consorting with just any old Sim off the street. I don't know anything about Phil Jitmukasol, and he has definitely never been in a Broadway show. So I looked for the option to make him go away -- I swear to God that every other time I've played this game there's been an option that says "Shoo", or "Ask to Leave," or something. I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find it. Meanwhile, this weird ugly dude who has never done Broadway was still talking Galinda up. Gah.

Finally I decided: okay. If she can't just ask him to go away, she'll have to just annoy him away. I looked under "Annoy," or "Irritate," or something, and the most promising option there was "Throw Drink". So I clicked on it, and Galinda pulled a glass out of nowhere and threw a drink in his face.

Phil didn't like this, and I didn't care. Here, I figured, was his cue to get the hell off the Thropp-Arduennas' property, and then Galinda could start looking for teddy bears in the sky with Maria. Unfortunately, Phil turned out to be not the sort of guy to let things go:

He HIT HER. He fucking HIT GALINDA ARDUENNA OF THE UPLAND ARDUENNAS. I mean, WHAT! EVEN! I don't even -- just -- WHAT THE HELL. So I think then she cried, which was sad, and then she went back and slapped him, which was not. And at that, well, it was on.

So then we get into the poke wars. You ever do those on Facebook? This is sort of like that, except for not really at all. Because Phil Jitmakusol does not wait his turn to poke Galinda. And he isn't being playful. And he doesn't stop when the object of his pokeation runs away. Or when somebody else interrupts him and tries to start up a conversation about banning yellow flags. Even when the person who is interrupting him is bright green, he cannot be sufficiently distracted to be deterred from his poking. It's mean poking, too, the kind where someone jabs you in the chest while making snarly faces, and it really hurts. I assume. He went following Galinda around, poke poke poke poke poke poke poke, and there was just no stopping him. There are little tabs up in the corner of the screen telling you what each character is going to do next: at one point Galinda had four tabs lined up, one after the other, and every single one had Phil's face in it and said Be Poked. The only time he ever stopped was when he took a second out to stand with his face squinched up like he was both furious and constipated, with a fiery thought bubble over his head with a glass of water in it. DUDE. It was ONE DRINK TO THE FACE. GET OVER IT.

Meanwhile, amid the escalating drama of Galinda and the Inveterate Poker, I hadn't even noticed that Elphie and Anita were getting into it on the playground. I tried to watch both things at once, but it was hard to catch the details while I was all zoomed out. As far as I could tell, Elphaba kept poking Anita, and Anita kept crying, and then she'd yell at Elphaba, and then Elphaba would subside, and then Anita would make out with Bernardo, and then Elphaba would poke Anita again. Maybe Elphie is into Bernardo? I don't know. Maria seemed like kind of a dazed spectator to all of this. Anyway, in the hopes of defusing all three of the situations, I made Galinda go to the playground. Maybe she'd chat with Elphie, or with Anita. Maybe Phil would go away. Maybe Phil would shove past Bernardo in his pokey pursuit of Galinda, and Bernardo would kick his ass. Anything was possible.

Well, Galinda got to the playground, all right. And Phil -- Phil fucking Jitmukasol! This guy that I DID NOT MAKE, and that I DID NOT WANT, and that I COULD NOT GET RID OF, and who had NO RESPECT FOR THE NAME OF THE NOBLE CLAN OF THE UPLAND ARDUENNAS! -- followed her. And here, after more poking and crying and back-poking and yelling and shoving and starry head-circles and poking and poking and motherfucking poking, is what we got:

Can you make the picture out? Let me explain it to you. There's Maria, averting her eyes from the violence, and Bernardo, cheering it on. There's Anita and Elphie, animated spectators. And there, in the bizarro yellow-stained sweatshirt, is Phil Jitmukasol, kicking the everloving shit out of Galinda, who is down in the middle of that dust cloud.

Oh. And would you like to know what he did next? I mean, he won his battle (because that was the result; Glinda got her ass kicked), right? He can go home now, right? He can consider himself to have taken adequate revenge for that cupful of water that splashed his face, and he can swagger right the hell off their property?


He decided to play on their swingset.

So that is where I gave up on the game in disgust -- for tonight, I mean. I don't know what I'll do when I next visit the Thropp-Arduenna household. Probably have Galinda lock herself in her room until Phil goes away, and then look around to see if Sims can send letter bombs or something. Until then, good night, friends and neighbors.


*I decided that since Bernardo and Riff are in my WSS game and thus not dead, that means I have been designing the characters in their rising-curtain situations, and since Galinda didn't become Glinda until halfway through the show, logic demanded that I spell her name with an A. I spent about five minutes pondering this, just FYI.
Tags: sims
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