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the girl with violets in her lap [userpic]

February 2nd, 2011 (06:24 pm)

When, if ever, is it okay to snoop on your significant other? Have you ever?

1. Why do you have the kind of relationship where you are snooping on them in the first place?

2. Why on God's green earth have I gotten in the semi-regular habit of answering these stupid Writer's Block questions?

In all sincerity, though, I think that -- well, in a long-term committed relationship, anyway -- if you're feeling the need to "snoop" on your partner, couples counseling is what's actually in order. The thing is that I'm not quite sure what qualifies as "snooping", anyway. Breaking into their email accounts? Reading their private journals? If there's something you think you're going to learn from those things that a.) you have a right to know and b.) you don't already know, then, yeah, I think you and your partner have trust issues that could use a counseling session or two.

And in answer to the second part: the closest I've come to having "snooped" on a partner (λ just asked me to clarify that this partner is NOT HER; let me do so very emphatically right now) was when said partner kept a journal on her bedside table and said "This is my journal, but I always write as though I'm writing for an audience and so you should read it if you want because if I don't think you might read it then I can't write it." This was an excellent way for her to get a chance to write mean things about me that I would be sure to see without her having to tell them to me directly. It would have been far wiser for me not to read that journal, but that is not due to any violation of her privacy or trust. From some angles you might even consider that a bit of a shame, as it means that I had enough respect for her not to go prying into things she didn't want me to see but not enough respect for myself to stop reading mean shit she wrote about me and did want me to see. Oh well. Live and learn.

A more interesting debate, to me at least, would center around the morality of reading exes' blogs, Facebooks, etc. I know technically you can pare it down to "if you can view it without breaking into anyone's account, it's fine", but somehow it always does seem more complex with exes. But I digress.


Posted by: the girl with violets in her lap (slammerkinbabe)
Posted at: February 4th, 2011 10:54 pm (UTC)

Interesting. For a minute I was thinking of her husband in the context of "family", and I don't think I'd personally feel weird about reading a profile/blog of a member of my wife's family if they knew I knew its location and had left it open to me. But I imagine many poly relationships are different in that the relationships between the people who are partnered with the same person but not with one another (I'm sure there's a term for that but I don't know what it is! Time to brush up on my poly vocab) would be more complex, or at least have different systems of boundaries, than extended-family-by-birth situations. Not that the latter can't be complex enough (man, can they ever) but I think it's nevertheless categorically different.

Posted by: Damian (fanboy_of_zeus)
Posted at: February 5th, 2011 01:35 am (UTC)

If you figure out what the term is, could you let me know? It's probably something I ought to know, if there is such a word...

It does get complicated, yeah. And probably varies a lot depending on specific people and circumstances. I don't know. I still haven't completely wrapped my head around all this.

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