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the girl with violets in her lap [userpic]

July 29th, 2011 (12:22 am)
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SIMS WHY ARE YOU TERRIBLE YOU MAKE MY LIFE TERRIBLE I HATE YOU.*

You know, I did not make Nina get pregnant by Vanessa in my Heights game. Seriously, I did not! I didn't even know Vanessa COULD get Nina pregnant. But my wife installed a bunch of mods and this "Risky Woohoo" option turned up and I was honestly puzzled about what risks two women were going to be taking sleeping together -- had somebody put in a mod for STDs? -- so I tried it ONCE and on the TEN PERCENT CHANCE that Vanessa would get Nina pregnant, IT HAPPENED. That was ALL YOU, game. You were the one that was all gung-ho for Nina and Vanessa to settle down and make babies together and start a nice little family somewhere that's green.

So I went with it, Sims game. I decided that since Nina/Vanessa, happy SAHMs was clearly what YOU WANTED, they should really move into a new house if they were going to carry on with it. Because the technical limit for a playable household is eight people and since baby Lincoln was born Daniela already became unplayable, and the next to go would be Usnavi if they had another kid and clearly we can't have that. So I was like, okay, I will split up my happy Heights household and move Nina and Vanessa out. But that would be a boring household and besides neither of them work, so I thought they should bring Usnavi and Benny with them. But then Usnavi and Benny would be sad because they would have no one to flirt with, so -- THIS IS THE POINT OF MY STORY, HERE -- so I decided to make Yolanda live with them too. Remember Yolanda, all two of you who know In the Heights? Yolanda of "'Usnavi had sex with Yolanda'/'Ah, no, he'd never go out with a skank like that!'"** fame? Yeah, I made her. She has the shortest short-shorts ever, a pink midriff top that covers about as much as a bikini top, and giant leopard-print hooker heels. And she's flirty and commitment-phobic and a bunch of other similar things and her lifelong ambition is to be girlfriend to 10 different Sims. Whatever, that's the Yolanda I have. I thought she might make life more interesting for Usnavi or Benny, once they all moved in together. You know, Usnavi and Benny could compete for Yolanda's attention when they weren't out being the breadwinners and Nina and Vanessa could stay at home and raise baby Lincoln and make more new babies and THIS WAS THE PLAN, SIMS.

You know what was NOT the plan? It was NOT the plan for Nina to fall for Yolanda within like two fucking seconds. She just had a baby! With Vanessa! And they are OTP and wonderful and also, seriously, guys, raising an infant here! In the blush of new love and motherhood and WHY ARE YOU FALLING FOR YOLANDA, NINA? Does Yolanda emit some sort of pheromones that are designed to attract whomever will annoy Vanessa the most? That is a terrible sexuality to have! You shouldn't be predicating your sexual behavior and desires on anyone else's reactions, Yolanda! Stop trying to scam on Vanessa's boyorgirlfriends! Live for yourself! Find someone else to love! Someone who did NOT JUST HAVE A BABY WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.

I am seriously perturbed by this. Nina is my favorite and Vanessa is my hottest ever and they are so OTP! And now I think I just split them up and made Lincoln the product of a broken home and he is going to grow up living with two divorced mothers and one of their skank girlfriends and he is going to be so traumatized and he is probably going to wind up in the Criminal career and get arrested just like Graffiti Pete did the other night. And then he'll develop terrible addictions to Slurm and whatever is in that bong that pretends to be a bubble-blower, and then he'll become homeless and sleep on one of the park benches for the rest of his life. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO TO POOR INNOCENT LINCOLN, SIMS GAME? HE WAS BORN TO BE A VIRTUOSO YOU KNOW

::sigh::

In other news, I made a Phantom of the Opera household. Christine is an Absent-Minded Overemotional Hopeless-Romantic Virtuoso with No Sense of Humor; Raoul is a Clumsy Overemotional Hopeless-Romantic with No Sense of Humor who is also a Heavy Sleeper (idk, OK); and the Phantom is an Insane Evil Genius Hopeless-Romantic Virtuoso.*** I do not like Phantom but I couldn't really resist making such an overheated household with room for so many lulz. I hope my Les Miz household will have similar traits. But anyway, so I thought this was going to be really excellent and melodramatic, right? Like they would walk in the door and everyone would immediately start falling in love with everyone else and the Phantom would live up to his Insane Evil Genius billing and drop a chandelier on their heads. (They actually have a chandelier.) Instead, watching their behavior and extrapolating from their speech bubbles and action descriptions, this is what happened:

PHANTOM, CHRISTINE, and RAOUL enter the household. RAOUL goes to make waffles. CHRISTINE and PHANTOM stare vacantly at the wall. After a minute I get annoyed and prod them to talk to one another.
CHRISTINE: Hi! Do you like Westerns?
PHANTOM: I like Westerns.
CHRISTINE: Here is some trivia about Westerns!
PHANTOM: Ah.
CHRISTINE: I bet you didn't know that about Westerns!
PHANTOM: Let me interrupt you for a minute there, Christine, I want to tell you about my evil plot. [That was the action description: "Talk About Evil Plot."]
CHRISTINE: Wow. Good plot.
PHANTOM: Thanks.
CHRISTINE: So I also know some trivia about -- AAAAAAAARAIORARGH MOST TRAUMATIZED NOISES OF THE CENTURY
PHANTOM AND ME: What?
CHRISTINE: I AM SO HUNGRY OH MY GOD I AM THE MOST MELODRAMATICALLY HUNGRY PERSON YOU HAVE EVER SEEN.
PHANTOM: Ah! Ahahahaha! You're... HUNGRY!
CHRISTINE: AAAAAAAARAIORARGH
PHANTOM: AAAAAAAARAIORARGH
RAOUL: Oh, crap, burned my waffles.
PHANTOM: Keep talking, Christine, you were telling me how HUNGRY you are!
CHRISTINE: MY HEAD IS EXPLODING WITH MASSIVE BRIGHT-RED IMAGES OF A STICK FIGURE HOLDING A KNIFE AND FORK
RAOUL: I mean, they're shitty waffles, guys, but they're here.
PHANTOM: YOU'RE SO HUNGRY!
CHRISTINE: AAAAAAAARAIORARGH
ME: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE CHRISTINE EAT THE FUCKING WAFFLES. ::click::
CHRISTINE: 'Kay. ::wanders off::
ME: Phantom, you go eat your burnt waffles too, after all that yelling you were doing about--
PHANTOM: ::has changed into swim trunks, is swimming laps::

It took me awhile to figure out that because he is Evil, the Phantom really enjoys watching other people's discomfort and distress. As such, Christine's melodramatic flailing about how she was starving was like his favorite thing ever. I thought from all his shouty speech bubbles about hunger that he was hungry too, but not so. He was just really really enjoying Christine being hungry.

I don't know, man, seems like Evil just ain't as evil as it used to be. Maybe I better draw his attention to the chandelier.

_________________________


*BLATANTLY FALSE or else I would stop playing, right? BUT
**Which he didn't, for those of you catching up at home.
***NB: The reason that Christine and Raoul are "Absent-Minded" and "Clumsy" is that "Stupid" is not an option, and that was the closest I could get.

Comments

Posted by: Kat (kindness_says)
Posted at: July 29th, 2011 05:58 am (UTC)

I literally cahaaaannot stop laughing.

Also, Graffiti Pete?

Posted by: Chris Schmidt (crschmidt)
Posted at: July 29th, 2011 10:57 am (UTC)

This was great :) MOAR PLZ.

Posted by: ems (ems)
Posted at: July 29th, 2011 01:26 pm (UTC)

I just had to bite my lip to keep from laughing out loud at work.

Posted by: Kat (kindness_says)
Posted at: August 2nd, 2011 03:50 am (UTC)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4 Read Comments