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News in Brief: God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

September 1st, 2015 (05:41 pm)

Honestly, after glancing over the headlines on Google News, I'm rooting for God's throwing arm here. People are actually taking that clerk's "religious freedom" shtick seriously and there's a new shooting every five seconds in this country and there's a trans teenager who is apparently at the center of a national firestorm for daring to want to use the bathroom and Donald Trump is running for president and this is so far from being the worst country out there that that's it, I'm out, pitch us into a black hole.

(Hi. This share feature is new since I left. Does anyone actually use it? It makes LJ feel much more like Facebook and Tumblr, but I have developed some strong habits in my years of using those sites and neglecting LJ, so. Whatever.)

Originally posted by theonionfeed at News in Brief: God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth. “Oh, yeah, if I got a really good windup I bet I could chuck it four or five thousand light-years,” said God as He eyed the third planet from the Sun, adding that He could probably toss it right into the Pleiades star cluster with His eyes closed. “This thing weighs, what, 6 sextillion tons? With a running start, there’s no way I couldn’t get it past the Crab Nebula. Probably farther.” At press time, the Lord was loosening up His arm by lobbing Mercury and Venus into the nearby A0620-00 black hole.