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the girl with violets in her lap [userpic]

March 29th, 2006 (11:58 am)
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People piss me off. A lot.

Instead of dealing directly with the specific person who is pissing me off in the moment, why don't I restore my mood to an even keel by going to Amazon.com and looking up asinine reviews of classic picture books, and posting them to LiveJournal for all to mock?

Say! That's a great idea!

* * *

THE MONSTER AT THE END OF THIS BOOK

Furry blue sub for hire

"This book is not suitable for children. In a "No Means No" society, should we be planting such ideas into the fragile, impressionable minds of the future. It concerns me that the first sentences some children read are strangely sadomasochistic. Really, throw a leather hood over Grover's head and put a zipper over his mouth and you're his instant dominatrix. So, keep this book hidden in your dresser drawer, or you might run the risk of making a fifty mile commute every Saturday morning to visit your little boy in the state prison."

* * *

GOODNIGHT, MOON

This just in: Children need no sleep

"The back flap says it has lulled children to sleep for generations. Can't see why you would want a book to do that."

* * *

THE RUNAWAY BUNNY

That bunny needs a beating

"I could not believe how uppity this bunny was. To be honest with you, this insolent little lagomorph shows no remorse whatsoever for the trials and tribulations he is obviously eager to put his (possibly unhealthily) devoted mother through. He ends up staying only because he realizes he just can't get away from his mom. I can't imagine letting my impressionable young daughter get away with this attitude!"

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR

Eric Carle is responsible for my son's eating habits (not my parenting or anything)

"Rubbish. This book has seriously hindered my son's development. After reading the book to him religiously before bedtime, he now believes himself to be just like the caterpillar. He claims to be very hungry all the time. He is constantly eating, and is becoming noticeably heavier. Unfortunately in his case I don't believe that he will turn into a beautiful butterfly at the end!"

* * *

THE CAT IN THE HAT

The cat will kill you in your sleep

"Psychological Damage. Dr Seuss was an evil genius, bent on traumatising children. As a child, his books used to terrify me. Particularly The Cat in the Hat, as well as the sinister Thing duo. Unless you're children are aficionados of Stephen King, I urge you to avoid this title."

* * *

THE LITTLE MATCH GIRL

Fairy tales are always happy all the time, and so would this one be if the little match girl would have just realized how pleasant the world is and gone home to get beaten and starved some more

"I couldn't believe it was in my nephew's book of fairy tales. Fairy tales are supposed to be happy. There was one specific sentence that shocked me..."The girl was found dead, frozen to death on New Years Eve". What kind of fairy tale is that. Sure she saw her grandmother and she's with her grandmother now, but that isn't the message that is conveyed in the story. I would have rather the girl wised up about going home with no money, realizing the world was a pleasant place to be after seeing the "light", as she struck all the matches she had."

* * *

ALEXANDER AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY

Normal children are all sweetness and light all the time

"This book plays it off as if it's normal for children to be this negative. An extremely negative character and ugly grammar does not make a good children's book. I would give it no stars if Amazon allowed it. This is the worst children's book I have ever purchased."

* * *

GREEN EGGS AND HAM

Books shouldn't tell kids dirty things like where milk comes from. By the way, which book am I reviewing?

"A farmer is trying to teach children the basics of milking a cow and trying to show the kids were all of the animals body parts are. I think the book is ok because if the parents wanted to teach their kids about the milk producers than they can teach them by themselves rather than reading a book. What if you did not want your kids to no about that stuff yet, than they went to school and read the book than you really have a problem."

People are funny.

Comments

Posted by: Tasha Rebekah Martin (lietya)
Posted at: March 29th, 2006 06:56 pm (UTC)

(peeking in because I can't resist now that three of you have perpetuated this - your kid's going to be SURROUNDED by multiple organisms, you know. :) Nothing you can do to keep them from knowing about it, from about his age onward!)

Posted by: the girl with violets in her lap (slammerkinbabe)
Posted at: March 29th, 2006 07:01 pm (UTC)

Yeah, I actually thought they were discussing "multiple organisms" in the sense of "egg and multiple sperm" for awhile... I was scratching my head, going "well, that isn't exactly how I would have phrased it, but what's wrong with talking about multiple organisms?" It took me awhile to catch on that we were talking about orgasms.

Posted by: Tasha Rebekah Martin (lietya)
Posted at: March 29th, 2006 07:03 pm (UTC)

I got it on reread, but there was definitely a "blink?" moment.

ironically, and apropos of this discussion, your kid could be HAVING multiple orga[ni]sms about 15 years before you think it's safe to mention them!

Posted by: Erbie McInQuack (erbie)
Posted at: March 29th, 2006 07:15 pm (UTC)
smilecat

Wow, where's my head? I totally missed the "ni" in there.

Posted by: Spencer Irving (archaica)
Posted at: March 29th, 2006 07:47 pm (UTC)

The Knights who say Ni! are very offended.

Posted by: Naughty Librarian Lover (llnaughty)
Posted at: March 29th, 2006 07:56 pm (UTC)

do i get to make a "you don't recognize an orgasm when you come across one?" comment?

Posted by: Erbie McInQuack (erbie)
Posted at: March 29th, 2006 11:58 pm (UTC)
wtf

Except that I didn't recognize an organism, mistaking it for an orgasm.

Posted by: Naughty Librarian Lover (llnaughty)
Posted at: March 30th, 2006 12:01 am (UTC)

but i was replying to slammerkinbabe (i almost wrote "salamanderkinbabe").

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