?

Log in

No account? Create an account
the girl with violets in her lap [userpic]

February 19th, 2008 (05:08 pm)
amused

current mood: amused

via lietya:

Apparatus for Facilitating the Birth of a Child by Centrifugal Force

I was surprised to note that this was patented in 1965 and has not yet been used, to my knowledge. Granted, its use is not necessary among the "more primitive" people of the world -- so the patent description tells me -- who have developed all the necessary muscles for a swift and easy childbirth, presumably by laboring in the fields and so on. However, I know that on my very own friendslist I have several "more civilized" people whose jobs do not allow them great opportunity to "develop those muscles necessary in confinement". This device is for you. Look at the design! See how easy! They just sort of strap you into this giant piece of machinery, and then you go SPINNY SPINNY SPINNY WHEE WHEE WHEE!!! until the baby pops out! Dude, this sounds SO much more fun than a water birth. Who's gonna be the first one on my flist to try it?

Comments

Posted by: Tasha Rebekah Martin (lietya)
Posted at: February 19th, 2008 11:19 pm (UTC)

Sidebernie can attest, I hit the primitive peoples part and started sputtering loudly.

(And commented "the only thing that could make childbirth better, is motion sickness!")

Posted by: hells_librarian (hells_librarian)
Posted at: February 19th, 2008 11:29 pm (UTC)

What a coincidence - I just read about that in Jennifer Block's Pushed.

Posted by: Underwear Ninja (chavvah)
Posted at: February 19th, 2008 11:49 pm (UTC)

Sent it to my prego officemate, but I don't think she's going to build one.

Posted by: roseyviolet (roseyv)
Posted at: February 20th, 2008 12:35 am (UTC)

Oh great heavens -- is that a NET? Down there round her nethers!??!

ALthough I guess it makes sense -- you wouldn't want a newborn thrown across the delivery room like a canape from an overzealous Lazy Susan.

Posted by: Morgan (banshea)
Posted at: February 20th, 2008 01:36 am (UTC)

1. I love Figure 3. I imagine that it would get along very well with the birthing illustration from that German sex ed picture book that's floating around the internet.

2. OMFG A NET.

Posted by: active_apathy (active_apathy)
Posted at: February 20th, 2008 02:39 am (UTC)
Misc - OMGWTFINTERROBANG

I'm mystified that someone claiming to invent such a thing somehow wouldn't know what an obstetrician is.

Wait, no. I'm mystified that someone would claim to invent such a thing.

And the table! 0.52 revolutions (187.2°) per second makes a centrifugal force equal to normal Earth gravity - so, if you're spinning around once every two seconds, it's pretty much exactly the same as delivering the foetus while very awkwardly standing up.

Which is just fine, if you happen to be a horse.

Also, OMG A NET. The table gives gravitational equivalencies for up to 493.2°/s, at a somewhat horrifying seven gravities. Which means that, conceivably, the OMGNET has to be able to catch at least twenty-eight kilograms (~62 lb) for a newborn at the heavier end of normal birth weight.

This is roughly equivalent to catching a falling wombat in the OMGNET.

And then the newborn is (presumably) thwapped on the the head by (effectively) 4.2 kg (~9 lb) of placenta that the machine is also helping to deliver fling across the room.



...I may be overthinking this. Um... spinny! Whee!

Edited at 2008-02-20 02:42 am (UTC)

Posted by: Damian (fanboy_of_zeus)
Posted at: February 20th, 2008 02:49 am (UTC)

And then the newborn is (presumably) thwapped on the the head by (effectively) 4.2 kg (~9 lb) of placenta that the machine is also helping to deliver fling across the room.

Thwapped on the feet, you mean, after crashing head-first into the net, which, according to Newton's Third Law, is equivalent to the kid being hit on the head with 62 lb of force...

...Actually, in that case, it probably *would* be better if the baby were delivered feet-first.

Posted by: active_apathy (active_apathy)
Posted at: February 20th, 2008 02:56 am (UTC)
Firefly - River - maniac

Er, yes. I'm accounting for some unspecified degree of umbilical bungee, I think, and the weight of body and limbs rotating the kid at a point somewhere around the neck following the initial impact with the OMGNET (and attending interactions with Newton's First and Second Laws).

Posted by: Damian (fanboy_of_zeus)
Posted at: February 20th, 2008 03:00 am (UTC)

Yeah...not to mention, if we're actually accounting for all the forces at work, the baby won't actually be moving *that* fast on exit; the centrifugal force is, after all, intended to overcome other forces that are already at work.

My next quibble, though: if the kid hits the net head first and then rotates around the neck...what are the odds of the neck snapping?

Posted by: active_apathy (active_apathy)
Posted at: February 20th, 2008 03:13 am (UTC)
Games - Portal - Apertura Scientia

Accounting for all the forces takes the fun out of ridiculous!physics. (And being suspended by the feet at 7g is probably not recommended for neonatal health anyway.)

And that's... a very good question, actually. Even without actual snapping, there'd still be a Very Significant risk of spinal cord injuries from (I think) C3 to T1. Which would make a properly-snapped neck quite merciful, really.

Posted by: Damian (fanboy_of_zeus)
Posted at: February 20th, 2008 03:17 am (UTC)

Yeah, and being suspended by the feet at 7g and then dropped on your head is probably even worse, with or without the pivoting and neck-snapping that may follow. Being whacked on the head with the placenta would probably barely register, after all that.

Posted by: active_apathy (active_apathy)
Posted at: February 20th, 2008 03:55 am (UTC)

And then it's still a net, where the force of the impact is focused onto a very, very small proportion of the surface area. So, further injuries, skin lacerations, and an outside chance of diced placenta if it somehow misses the mechanically-battered neonate.

Posted by: the girl with violets in her lap (slammerkinbabe)
Posted at: February 21st, 2008 11:26 am (UTC)

I did not get to this conversation while it was going on on account of work duties, but allow me to come in belatedly and say that this is almost unquestionably the best conversation that has ever happened on my journal. OMG.

Posted by: active_apathy (active_apathy)
Posted at: February 22nd, 2008 12:44 am (UTC)
Misc - OMGWTFINTERROBANG

Even with the diced placenta?

Posted by: mixed_up_media (mixed_up_media)
Posted at: February 21st, 2008 08:00 pm (UTC)

As I commented to lietya, I found this both hilarious and horrifying. :)

Well, seeing as I probably won't have a for uterus much longer, I'll have to decline. But if you need someone to help build it, I'll be happy to pitch in. ;)

15 Read Comments